A Short Letter To Myself (Ready For Change)

2:04 am                                                                                                Nov. 23rd, 2017

You know it’s bad
when you’d rather fake it
than keep on feeling like crap any longer.
When you’d rather pretend everything’s fine
because that’s easier than trying to deal with the problem.
But that’s what happens.
You have a problem.

It begins to grow
It grows so much that eventually it becomes too much,
too overwhelming.
But you dwell on that pain.
You practically thrive on self destruction.
And then you find yourself growing tired.
Tired of trying to get over this.
Tired of wishing and wanting things to change.
Tired of everything.

Until one day you sit down on the sofa,
and silently stare at the last words on the last page of your favorite book,
and you realize how much you just don’t care anymore.
You realize how hard life is and how hard you’ve made it on yourself
and that’s when you decide one of two things.
The first option is the most common;
the easy way.

This is when you put that book down,
crawl into your bed,
and weep.
You give up.
And you’re gone.
You spend the rest of your life wallowing in your sorrow and pain,
you give up on life and any hope of ever being happy
and believe me,
you never will be.

But the second option,
that’s the one less chosen.
The more difficult way.

When you flip back to the beginning of that book and read it again
because maybe the ending wont be so sad the next time you read it.
You get up
and make yourself a warm cup of coffee,
you eat something.
You’ll throw on your favorite outfit.
You do your hair,
you do your makeup.
You smile,
even if it’s fake.

You take a few deep breaths.
And at the end of the day,
you might actually be happy.
Even if it’s just a little bit.

Because being happy doesn’t just happen on its own.
You choose to be happy.

And one day,
maybe,
you’ll be happy without even trying.

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Nothing Left To Say.

05/21/17

 

Why can’t I just say how I feel?

Why can’t I let it out?

Why do I only cry alone?

Why do I hurt?

Why is this so hard to understand?

Why is it that all I can seem to ask, is why?

What can I do?

What is this all for?

What am I even living for?

What is wrong with me?

What is keeping me from what I want?

What is going on in my head?

When did I become sad?

When did I shut the door?

When did I push everyone away?

When did I hold back?

When did I let myself fall apart like this,

with no signs of ever coming back alive?

And tell me;

When did I start thinking death would be better than living?

I have nothing to say anymore.

I’ve held it in so long,

The words are just gone.

I’ve recited every line,

So many times.

Till all I had left,

Left me like a rushing river.

My heart aches,

But there’s nothing you can do.

Please, just let me be.

You weren’t there when I needed you.

Don’t come back and ask me to reopen wounds for you.

My time for mourning is over.

I no longer wish to speak

Of the dreams that used to be.

I need to breathe,

I need you to simply let me be.

What’s done is gone and past.

Just as the seasons change,

so do we.

Listen to me,

It’s all I ever wanted.

It’s all I ever asked.

Hear me.

It’smy last request.

Love me.

But please,

Don’t hurt me anymore.

Insecurity.

11/25/16                                                                                                                  11:45PM

The pain inside my chest

It get’s worse as the nights grow darker.

The voices in my head

They keep telling me to run farther.

I cry myself to sleep

The shadows grow deep

And all I can do is lie here awake

Praying i’ll be okay.

You can never hurt me

You can never break me

You will never be able to hear me

You will never understand me.

The things I tell myself

The way I viciously tear myself apart

The things I do to take away my pain.

You’ll never know.

My insecurity bites my spine

While my heart aches in synchronized time

With the burning crackle of the fire that melts my soul.

The stone I carry on my own

Only ever reminds me I’m still alone.

It’s hard to feel warm in the dark

As it’s the same with the people who embark.

The more I try

The more i wish to die.

But in the end

I will still be lonely

As nothing you say can hurt me,

I only ever hurt myself.

You can never destroy me

The way I so willingly destroyed myself.

You Don’t Know Me.

2-10-17

You don’t know me.

You can talk to me about anything,

You can cry on my shoulder.

You can rely on me to always be by your side,

You can call me anytime.

I am your friend,

I am the support you need when trials come.

I am the one who holds you,

And I am the one who comforts you.

I will be there at your beck and call,

I will be there when you fall.

I will help you rise,

And I will help you fight.

You have always needed me,

But I,

I never needed you.

I do this on my own,

I do it all for you.

I do what I have to,

But I never do this for me.

I’ve fought giants,

I’ve won battles.

I’ve climbed mountains,

And I’ve shouted truth.

I’ve held your hand in the dark,

I’ve helped you find the light.

I’ve opened doors,

And even held the gate.

But you still don’t know me.

I’m a bird,

Freedom flowing beneath my wings.

I’m an open book,

Ask me anything and I will tell.

But you only glide the surface,

Hiding beneath your own sorrow.

You pretend to feel my pain,

Wanting to understand.

You claim to care,

Expecting to hear my deepest darkest secrets.

You tell me I am hiding,

But you’re not listening.

I speak up,

But you don’t hear me.

I was the one who broke,

The one who choked on her own insecurity.

I was the one who pulled away,

The one who looked the other way.

But listen to me,

I stayed.

I died with you,

And loved you for your mistakes.

But you still don’t know me.

No matter how much you try to sympathize,

No matter how many times I have told you,

No matter the situation.

I have always been your friend,

The one to give advise,

The one to hear your cries,

The one to be by your side.

But you have never once been mine.

Stop trying to understand me,

You won’t be able to.

You never listened,

You only heard what you thought you knew.

You can try to do what I do,

But you won’t be able to.

I wouldn’t want you to.

I am unstable,

And yet, stable.

I am so broke,

I don’t even have enough love to give myself.

Yet I somehow find more love to give.

Stop questioning me,

Stop telling me who to be.

Stop trying to “help” me,

Stop trying to be me.

I do this for you,

You can’t possibly do it for me.

I do this for me,

I do this alone.

You don’t know me.

You can’t know me.

Ears that only hear what they want,

Can’t really hear at all.